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Bubba

For the past 3 months I have been holding on to hope.  Holding on to the notion that my brother, who I call Bubba, would get better.  When I think back on things, it seems that he had been sick for a long time.  A cold that seemed to linger and a hoarse voice after that.  Another cold, fevers, chills. 

One day back in June, on Fathers Days, I was at my Mom’s house and I saw my brother as he was preparing to go into the downtown area to treat himself to some Father’s Day activities.  I asked him how he felt, He told me that he really wasn’t feeling all that well, but that he wasn’t going to just lay around in the house all day.  So, I told him to have a good time and enjoy himself.

I had spoken with my Mom earlier and she told me that he hadn’t really been feeling well for a couple of weeks.  She said he complained of having back and/or side pain and that it had been difficult for him to breathe.

One day, I think it was a few days later, I got a text from my brother that said he didn’t feel good, not breathing well, and that he was on his way to ER.  He texted me when he got there and said, “they say I’m only breathing with half of a lung.”  I instantly felt a sink in my own chest.  Later they took him and admitted him to the hospital with a diagnosis of Pneumonia.  He was put on oxygen.

A few days later he was still in the hospital and they had been draining the fluid from his lungs and for a minute it seemed that he was on his way to recovery, but they wanted to run more test.  After that set of test, they told us that he had contracted C-Diff infection from the hospital and on top of that they told us he had Mesothelioma.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  They gave us a plan that they had put in place for him to start a healing process.  Not long after that we found out, after he went to another hospital, that it wasn’t Mesothelioma at all….my brother had been diagnosed with Stage 4 Renal Cell Carcinoma.

“What the hell, how in the hell?” were the first thoughts to cross my mind.  The doctor said she didn’t like to give out the “numbers” but she said it could be 6 months to 1 year, maybe longer if he was able to get treatment, and he couldn’t get treatment until the C-Diff infection was cleared up.

Back and forth between home and the hospital he went, and I pretty much, so did my mother, watched as my brother began to deteriorate right before my eyes.  He couldn’t eat because he didn’t like the taste of anything.  On days that he had a taste for something, he couldn’t keep it down.  Then his throat began to get sore and the infection in his belly reoccurred and he ended up back in the hospital.  He was back in there for about 2 weeks and on August 3, 2013 my Bubba died.

Bubba was 49 years old and he was the type of person that was full of life.  I mean I never met a person that had so much life in them the way he did.

He loved to dance, he loved to be with his friends and family and act out old movies that he had seen and became his favorites.  In his lifetime he had been a model and mentor to some.  He was a very creative person.  To watch him just wither away from us has done something to me that I can’t explain.

I’ve heard of people contracting all sorts of cancers and beating it.  I asked God why my brother couldn’t be one of those.  Why couldn’t he be a “survivor”  Why couldn’t he come home well one more time. Why had any of and/or all of this happened in the first place. How long had he been sick.  

They say that this form of cancer is very aggressive….it seems that it took my brother right out of here without so much as giving us the smallest chance to fight.

I’m so torn by all of this.  I sit and just gaze off sometimes because I think that its just not true.  I still have his last text he sent to me on my cell phone when I texted him good morning for the last time, although I didn’t know it would be the last time.  I still expect to see him when I go to my mom’s house.  I still expect to connect with him on Face Book.  So much is going on inside of me right now, and I feel like I’m rambling, but so what.  My Bubba, the one person in the world that I’ve shared a relationship with, outside of my parents, aunts, and uncles, for my entire life is gone.  He’s gone. He’s gone.Image

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Posted by on August 17, 2013 in General

 

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Long Time Coming

OH MY Gosh!   So much has happened since the last time I’ve written.

The hubby and I have moved.  Our family (hubby, baby brother (39) Mom) took a family trip to Tennessee to celebrate my aunts 71st birthday.  My oldest brother couldn’t go because he had been in the hospital for 3 weeks with a diagnosis of first Pneumonia then Mesothelioma, then just lung cancer.  We enjoyed the trip as much as possible but always kept in close contact with my oldest brother, we wanted him to go so bad even before he got sick, but even more when we found out, but he couldn’t travel.  He wanted us to go and enjoy ourselves because our family had been planning the trip since January and we would only be gone 2 days, but for me it was two long days.

The good part about it is that we got a chance to take a trip with our mom, which we had never done and she really enjoyed herself.  It was 157 degrees in Tennessee that weekend but we didn’t care.  We got a chance to see family that we hadn’t seen in years and meet some cool new people too. We can’t wait for the next one, but I plan to have my oldest brother with us this time.  I believe God to heal him.

Still doing a lot of reading, studying, and note taking for the love of my life, creating fragrance oils, and skin care products.  Meeting new people that are adding substance to my life and causing me to stretch….that’s always a good thing for me.

I just wanted to stop in and drop a note to connect with you all.  Thanks so much for reading.

So, what have you been up to lately?

 
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Posted by on July 30, 2013 in General

 

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A Day of Love

So, all week last week, leading up to Valentine’s Day, I read numerous articles about love.  I read countless inspirational messages to husbands and wives encouraging us to love each especially on this particular day. I even had a not so pleasant encounter with a “religious” elderly lady about the relationship between husbands and wives as it relates to pornography.  It was an interesting week to see how people shared their love for each other.  Some people made it their business to make sure that we knew about the origin of Valentine’s day and why they choose not to celebrate it, and how it’s been made so commercial and no longer really means anything to people.

A friend of mine asked me “how are you and the hubby going to celebrate Valentine’s day?”  I told him that my husband and I really don’t make a big deal of Valentine’s Day as some normally do because we have something that we call “gotcha.”  It’s where he and I find little ways to gift each other with special little surprises all year round so, if we exchange “valentines” on Valentine’s Day its just another regular expression of our love.  If we don’t exchange “Valentines” on Valentine’s Day it’s just another day that we didn’t do our “gotcha.”  Now later on in the day we did decide to do a little celebrating with marital things…LOL and wine and good food, but something else happened that, for me, made it all the more special.  We talked.  Yes, we talked.  We talked about why we love each other.  We talked about why we know that we are the only ones for each other.  We talked about how to improve our communication of love to one another and a whole list of other topics.  

He and I never have been the type of people that just go with the flow of what everybody else is doing from one day to the next, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  

People celebrate different “holidays” for different reasons.  I for one, will never allow the superstitions, unbeliefs, ill will, or even flat out ignorance and/or disdain for one day or another lock me into a way of thinking that is not productive or edifying for me and mine.

People have their reasons for not celebrating Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Halloween, July 4th, etc….and that’s exactly what they are, “their reasons.”  If there is a conviction that I feel from the Lord about one day or another then I will walk according to what God has spoken concerning me.  Until then, if its something that encourages me, makes me feel good on the inside, edifies me, or just plain ole makes me smile then it is something that I will partake in. After all, why spend valuable time arguing about hatred and ill will when all most were seeking for is A Day of Love.  As for people judging what I do and do not celebrate, I handle it according to this: Romans 14:1-23 and leave it at that.

 

 
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Posted by on February 18, 2013 in General

 

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That Time Again

Yes, it’s the time of year that I love most; Fall/Winter.  I don’t know if its because of what it represents, hibernation of nature and renewing itself for the warmer months that are sure to come back, or if it’s because of the changing of colors of the trees, to start anyway, and then the snow that makes everything so beautiful when it first falls.

This time of year does represent something spiritual for me.  I remember a long time ago that somebody told me that the colors that the leaves change to are always there, they just don’t appear until it’s their season, their time.  For some reason this struck me as information straight from God.  I thought to myself, “that’s just like the people of God.”  You know that God has a work for all of us to do, but the timing and release for us to walk in that work isn’t always when we think or desire.  While we are waiting for God to release us, we are molded, cultivated, pruned, trimmed, plucked, planted, fed, and watered.  All those things keep us “green” while the Lord perfects us and when our “season” comes, He releases us and our “colors” come through.

Then when it comes to the snow, it puts me in the mindset of the Blood of Jesus and how he covered, but rather took away our sin.  The snow when it first falls is so white and untouched.  God looks at us through the blood of Jesus and the finished work of the cross, so when the snow falls it always gives me a gentle reminder of what The Father has done for me.

The colors of Fall are so rich and warming. Sometimes I can even detect a hint of Fall fragrance in the air when I see certain colors, just warms me right up on the inside.  Then we have the Christmas season of winter, with the decorations and lights, and festive colors.  It keeps me in a festive, yet creative mood and mindset throughout the whole season.  I love to go to different cities where there are different cultures to see how they decorate and celebrate.

The food, the movies, cartoons, clothes, getting together with friends from near and far, taking silly photos, hugs, kisses, Hot cocoa, sweet potato pie, and a host of other things that just give me a warm fuzzy feeling at this time of year.  Sometimes I wish that I could bottle or box it all up, and open it up to pour out in the middle of summer because for some reason people are more loving, more caring, and more considerate of others at this time of year.  If we could get that going all year, the world would be a better place, but that’s wishful thinking.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.  I hope you have an Amazing Day!

 
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Posted by on November 10, 2012 in General, Spiritual Encouragement

 

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Behold, I Shall Do A New Thing!

Hello Everybody!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’ve really been going back and forth in my head as to what to write about, whether it be what’s new with Fragrance Cafe’ or my personal life adventures 🙂 or, my spiritual journey.

Well, many of you can probably tell that I’ve chose the Spiritual Journey.

To fill you in a little; my hubby and I joined ourselves to a new ministry after being loyal members of another ministry for about 12 years.  This happened after God began to show some things that He wanted us to know concerning His Kingdom, Kingdom Living, and the true function of a ministry.

As He began to reveal some things to us, it became evident, although not comfortable, that it was time for us to get ready to leave this particular ministry.  We stayed before God concerning this matter because after all, I was spiritually born in this particular ministry.

OK, fast forward, at the beginning of this year The Father began to speak through His prophets concerning His Will for us and what it is that He has in store for us as well as what He wants to do through us.  All year long He confirmed and reconfirmed all that He started speaking at the beginning of the year, and now He is speaking some things to me that are new.

It’s funny how when you receive a word from the Lord through one of His Prophets, you get that feeling of “uh oh, so, that is God and I’m not crazy”  or some may call it a feeling of confirmation.  At the beginning of the year The Lord began to tell my husband and I that He is going to restore us.  Then He said it again, and again, and again for a total of six times.  I’m thinking to myself, “when God tells you something concerning your life, you feel honored that He would speak to you. After all I’m speaking of The Creator of The Universe.”  The fact that God would send 6 different people who don’t know each other, or me and husband, to say “I’m going to restore you” you tend to not only be convinced, but if there is any gratitude in you at all worship should flow from your lips like a fountain.

Then one day a lady came to me and said “yes, you are a prophetic psalmist.”  I was like oh God, please don’t do this…why is it that we always feel unworthy, when God has deemed us worthy?….She began to tell me how God knows that I’ve been holding back and that He didn’t want me to hold back anymore.  She said “Apostle already knows, he’s just waiting for you to come to him so, you need to be obedient and go.”  So, I did, I went to my Apostle and told him what had been said to me and he said “yes, I knew it the first day you took the pulpit, I’m just sad that it hasn’t been cultivated before now, but its there and don’t worry, we’re watching and we’re with you.”

Since the first time the prophetic word was spoken about me moving in the realm of the prophetic, God continues to confirm over and over that this is what He wants for me.  I’m so honored and in awe of God right now.  I continue to say “yes Lord, be it unto me as You have spoken, I accept the call.”  I continue to ask God to bind my ear to His voice.  I continue to worship Him with my life, and learn and study how I can be a blessing to others.  Just when you think you’ve got it all down, God says “Behold, I shall do a new thing!”

 
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Posted by on October 29, 2012 in Spiritual Encouragement

 

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My 911

11 years ago on this date at 8:45am I was at work.  My Supervisor came running out of the back office screaming “Oh My God, A plane just hit the World Trade Center!”  I thought to myself “how in the world could somebody be that blind?”  Before I could turn to continue my work somebody else said “you’ve got to be kidding, another one!”   Immediately I thought about the sermon that the Pastor of my former church had preached just that Sunday.  He talked about us being on the verge of war and how we should make sure we have ourselves lined up with God’s Will for our lives.  He said Jesus was coming and we didn’t know when but He is coming.

On July 17th my now husband had just asked me to marry him and we had only been engaged two months at this point.  Fear began to grip me.  I thought that I wouldn’t have a chance to see him again.  I thought I wouldn’t get the chance to walk down the aisle and actually become his wife.  At that point the phone rang and it was his voice on the line that I heard.  He asked if I was ok. I said, “no, I’m scared!” ” Are we going to be able to get married?”  I remember saying “I guess it’s started” He assured me that we would get married and told me that he understood me being scared but I had to trust God.  So I prayed and did just that.  Of course everyday from that point I asked God to take the fear away from me because it was very real.

While at work, and while I was still on the phone with him, our secretary came running and screaming “they just hit the Pentagon”…I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I called my mom to check on her.  I wanted to go home.  I didn’t feel like working anymore that day.  I wanted to be with the people that I loved.  I felt kind of dazed and sick the rest of the day, but I got through it.

When I did get home that day, I sat with my mom and watched the news as they gave account after account of the Towers Burning and finally falling to the ground.  I saw people jumping, I heard people screaming and crying.  Everybody looked the same though.  The smoke and ash covered all of their faces.

For a brief moment the human race had become one color.  Heroes were made that day, but so were widows, and widowers, people lost mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and it was just an awful feeling to me.  To look at the city of people dealing with what had happened and see how it changed and would continue to change them forever just broke my heart and right there in front of the tv as the Towers fell I cried.  I cried for The City, I cried for The People, I cried for The Families, I cried for Our Country.

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2012 in General

 

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Strange Love?

It started last night.  I was watching the news, something I rarely do at night, and the weather report for the upcoming week was being reported.

Immediately when I saw that the temperature was going to be in the 70’s today, lower 70’s, I got excited.  I thought to myself tomorrow after honey leaves for work I’m going to put on a pot of coffee and while it’s brewing, I just may take a little stroll outside of the apartment and let the cool air caress my skin.

I so love when the season begins to change from super duper hot, with humid and stuffy mornings where the air just lays on you; to the crisp and sometimes sunny morning air where you can feel the air on your skin, but it feels invigorating.  At least for me it feels invigorating.  I love when I can put my jeans and everyday shoes on or a nice pair of ankle boots.  I love the light sweaters at first and then the serious cable knit ones as the weather gets even colder.  Is this a strange love?  Most of my FB friends are whining about it being too cold already but I love it.  I love when the hubby and I can go for a “Sunrise Saturday” and the air has a little bite to it.  The  crisp air seems to make the Sun seem just a little brighter as it comes up out of its resting envelope, that’s how it looks to me, and paints the sky with its brilliant colors.

I love how even the aromas of the season are different.  You start to notice a more woodsy smell in the air as the neighbors begin to light fires in their fireplaces.  You seem to pick up that spice note as you walk pass the coffee shops and bakeries because they have started baking richer more decadent treats for us to enjoy.

For some reason the cooler and colder months I enjoy better than the warmer and steamy hot months because it always seems to easier to get warm in the colder months than it is to get cool in the warmer months.  I love how people begin to change the decor on their homes, and storefronts.  Little quaint boutiques and shops take great care in preparing just the right window dressing to draw you into the store and the atmosphere is always different when its colder.

Call me crazy if you like. I don’t mind.  I just love the season change from hot to cool, to cold.  If you love it then share.

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2012 in General

 

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