Today is better. Yesterday, however was not so good. I mean the overall day was ok. I got a lot of reading done, found some new product websites and got to catch up on some note taking. By the end of the evening I was crying and crying, and crying some more.
What started it all is my watching Netflix and the seasons of “Brothers and Sisters.” It was one of my favorite programs when it was on tv. I had been enjoying the episodes up until it got to the one when Kitty had a miscarriage. I was handling the fact that she had a miscarriage just fine, but then they threw in a scene where she actually got a chance to hold her still born baby. That threw me straight into emotional overload.
I had a similar experience some many years ago, and watching that scene was gut wrenching for me and it really and truly caught me off guard. I began going back over my life thinking about what I have done, the things that I didn’t do, and some of which I feel I should have done.
It really began to weigh heavy on me the fact that my wonderful husband and I never had any children of our own. We have his two boys which I’ve always considered mine anyway, but for some reason yesterday I was in emotional overload. I mean I couldn’t turn the tears off and it was driving me crazy. I’m not one to have pitty parties, but I had this feeling of loss and regret gripping me like a piece of wood in a vice in wood shop class.
I eventually dried up all the tears and went to bed saying, “Father, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m sure you do. So, heal me as I lay here and go to sleep tonight. Allow me to actually get some rest, not just sleep.”
When I woke up, I felt better, but I could feel my body fighting the feeling of being up and walking around as the hubby and I set out on our Saturday Errands.
The day seems, even now, to be moving really slow and I’m ok with that. He cooked us some delish food and I took a nap. When I woke up I felt much better. I can’t help but think, what is lingering inside of me that keeps coming to the surface in a fit of tears. I’m sure that God will reveal, and until He does I’m just going to stay in prayer about it.
Continuing on my Being Human journey. Thanks for reading, share your thoughts.